Captains Log 4172005.18 4/17/2005 at 18:04 hours.
Today was sappose to be a good day. a day where i could see a friend of mine i havnt seen in over a year to show him how
well i been transitioning.
i been tranasitioning from 1999 to 2001 in australia and 2003 to present here.
anyways my friend said he couldnt come as he was dead tired and was affraid to drive the car out as he didnt think he
could drive in a straight line.
so that bummed me out. so i went to the store got me a esspresso then bought a newspaper and decided to let my niece show
me how to put makeup on so i can be on course there. next project is hair removal somemore. hopefully may 14ths doctor appointment
proves i can get special cream so i dont have hair removal pain when they remove the hair.
update 4:21 PM PST we are almost ready to have dinner as a friend of mine came in from the west coast and he is in the
dinner went good. now my family is playing cards and told me to leave the kitchen while they use the table so i am here
working on my log.
Captain Ritalee's Personal Log stardate 4/18/05 at 16:20 hours pst today was simple. i got a email and apperently my story
was published on a forum for transgendered. i thought it pwned that it was published.
i would join the forum but im tired of the forum life. you know. 12 months on a game one burns me out.
im sappose to boot up animal crossing my game and play it but i got till 10 pm then i go and watch tv so im good till
i might play final fantasy IV but right now im sitting here doing this log and getting annoyed 4:30 pm and the mail man
isnt here and its monday the 18th of april and its annoy me.
i will post a link to the story that was posted on the forum for you all to read.
so right now nothings new for monday the 18th. :( mail man might bring my magazines so i can read it.
i am surprised though as im 26 going on 27 and i thought capernia addams who story was done in a movie as soldier girl.
i saw it when i barrowed it from the local library.
anyways im surprised as i thought she would be older then me. go figure eh?
anyways to all the trangendered peeps (people) i will say all the best to them as i dont wish any ill on any of them.
i dont wish ill to know one.i was raised proper.
maybe will see something new on this tomarrow.
till then. Later
4/18/05 update at 8:40 pm
you know i was thinking. my therapist said i need a inner circle of transgender friends. well where i live its out in
the sticks and there is no bus line. so i am stuck at home.
anyways there is more. you see i also think not like her (my therapist) that i need to be on my own. i live with a drunken
mother. you see the house is falling apart and well in my room i have holes in the floors and cold air comes in so my rent
is basically $200 because of it.
the bathroom floor is slowly going. the roof is shot. the only thing im doing for it is a tarp. and well the spare bedroom
isnt even finished. kitchen floor is also going and my mothers bathroom needs to be replaced. when we moved in in 1993 it
was a awesome mobile home now its gone to the rats basically.
my step dad (not really my dad just a best friend) tells me
to move out. i dont have no where to go so i stay here. if i can manage and take her crap till she retires in 5 years
will have completed my trnasition then i can move out.
my therapist doesnt understand i need that completed first.
also at times i feel like since my mom drinks so much and smokes allot of ciggeretts that she caused all her medical probloms
and i dont want to hear it.
i also been told by my stepdad that its not my fault on the condition of the house or the taxes wasnt paid for 3 years
my therapist and i had a chat. sometimes my family tries to lay a guilt trip and its my job to fix it all. other times
i have made deals to help mom and shes like nope. other times i want to not offer any of my suggestions or help.
i know she has probloms however i cant stop loving my mother because that love is uncoditional.
i do get tired of my sister nagging me on its my job on this and that. so i try to block it out.
i also feel my sister is a bossy cow. its like Ritalee get out and mow the lawn or plant these flowers. i pay my rent
it isnt my job.
that reminds me. mom wastes money on flowers yet she gripes she has not enough for other stuff. go figure. :|
Captains Log stardate 4192005.15 4/19/05 13:34 hours
im doing the wait for email and mail routine as well as going to play some games like final fantasy 1 as well as 4 and
i would of slept in but the naibor and his riding lawn mower witch i swear needs a muffler woke me up. i was so made and
furious i wanted to go over there and yell at him.
instead i made some coffee and listened to some music and waited for it to stop being so noisy then i took a shower.
i lost around 4 to 5 hours a sleep. :(
so its early to bed for me. i do get my tv night tonight. :D
also when it comes to sleep if i have to i will take some sleeping pills i have because i have been sleeping horrible
as well as i need to get back on track before friday as i see my therapist then.
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Captains Log Stardate 4202005.11 4/20/05 11:27 hours PST
i decided last night to skare off a few things and rebuild. lets just say im gonna read over and over nightly the bible.
as well as keep my room cleaned more. i tidyed it up this morning. my next project is the living room. its so messy followed
by the dishes and then taking the trash out.
i decided to also take care of a few things like my game guy. i didnt tell him i needed him but i think he got the picture
as im tired of waiting from my order from jan.
last night i also decided to make some laws for myself to govern by to get through my transision.
i can make ammendments as necc. i need to solely focus on my trnasition and not anything else.
i will try to update this in the mornings or nights.
today is simple like i said take care of the living room. tomarrow the bathroom.
the 3rd of may im making a purchase to try to buy some nail thingy to remove the fungus or try to see if it is fungus
and if it is grow my nails out.
i also plan to purchase some videos on how to make my voice more fem as well as a video on walking.
maybe i might even buy a digital cam so you can all see what i look like.
anyways i have some tough issues ahead of me but as long as i remeber Wordless kind and gentle words i will be fine. what
words you ask. well to her im tough as nails and can get anything done.
well and if i want something i get it. well im tired of being passed up on my program because of my ignorance on the shopping
of games and crap so now i want to be me before its to late and im 50 and dead.
very few people i worry about on the net. and wordless is one of them.
anyways i am gonna shower and clean and wait for the mail man.
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Captains Log Stardate 4212005.20 4/21/05 at 20:32 hours
today was simple. you see i got up showers and did some net search then i went and helped mom in the yard. i will help
tomarrow as well.
i found out she cant retire till she is 66 so that means i stay here till then and finish my program.
i played animal crossing. i relax when i play it. i write letters and ask myself questions about my program that way.
oh and last night i started to reread the bible from the begining and i got 176 pages done. im gonna read it tonight before
tomarrow i have to be up early and shower as the taxi comes and gets me and takes me to my therapist appointment.
other then that nothings new.
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